Hermione likes old guys who is surprised?
by Ranekaera
Summary: Humorous Marriage law fic. Some SLASH but it's only Lockhart, and no one really cares about him, I don't go into detail. Hermione likes everyone's favorite potions master... watch out Sevvy! Please R&R NEW CHAPTER UPDATE! CHAPTER 4 IS UP!
1. Merlin's saggy left ballock

Hey, I know I've been lagging in a few of my other stories, but I've just hit roadblocks with some of them... if ayone wants to help me finish them, give me ideas or anything, just add me on their Windows Live Messenger (MSN) which you can find on my profile. Thanks!

Discalimer: Sadly, I don't own Harry Potter or its affiliates, so please don't sue me!

This is meant to be a humorous marriage law fic, since I seem to be famous for my randomness. The Dark Lord is dead, Lockhart has his memory back and is again teaching at Hogwarts, there isn't any slash in here, persay, and if there is, it's not a main character, so no icky stuff. Just laugh

Enjoy and review!

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"Merlin's saggy left ballock!!"

Several heads turned at the rude outcry and a few giggled at the obcene curse, but Hermione Granger was not laughing. She set down her Evening Prophet, lookng angry and shaking with rage.

"What is it, Hermione?" gasped Ron, half amused, half alarmed. Harry shoveled a forkfull of steak into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully as he took Hermione's paper from her. Ron read it aloud over his shoulder.

"Ministry Passes New Marriage Law..." he frowned slightly, as though trying to work out what it meant. Harry swallowed and read the article below the headline.

"Ministry recently took a poll of the number of witches and wizards being born and have concluded that the precentage has dropped dramatically over the past year. Not helped, of course, by the recent war and defeat of Lord He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated, since said wwar killed off more than half of us. The Ministry has therefor imposed a new Marriage Law act. Any muggle-born witch or wizard of the correct age must be married off to a pureblood or half-blood witch or wizard within the next two months. Continued on Page 5," he read aloud.

"It's not all. Turn it to page 5 and read that," Hermione snapped angrily, buttering her toast far too hard and tearing holes in it.

"What'd the toast do to you?" smirked Ron, pointing to it. Jam was bleeding onto the table, staining the tablecloth purple-red and her toast had been reduced to a palm-sized pile of crums.

Harry turned the paper to page 5 and read on.

"All pureblood witches or wizards of the age to marry may send in a petition for their wanted one's hand in marriage to the Ministry of Magic. Said witch or wizard will be permitted to choose whichever witch or wizard he or she would like over the rest if he or she receives more than one," he continued.

"Then it just goes on to quote different people on what they think of th law," Hermione snapped, and she began slaughtering another slice of toast.

Up at the staff table, Professor Lockhart was looking odd. He wasn't his usually airy smily dunderhead self. He was loooking oddly over the staff table at the new Muggle studies teacher, Professor Carridan. He had spiky black hair and blue eyes and a lot of the girls liked him.

"What do you reckon Lockhart likes that Carridan bloke?" asked Ron, jerking his thumb at the blonde man.

"I really wouldn't surprise me," sniffed Hermione. Her toast had been reduced to a pile of crumbs again.

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Well, please review!!!!!! I think this is gonna get sillier the longer I go on, i JUST WANTED TO MAKE THIS ONE A BIT SERIOUS. ...rrr... stupid caps lock button...


	2. Lockhart is gay oh yeah, first request

Hey, lol this one should be hilarious

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Hermione was eating her breakfast in the Great Hall the next day when no less than three owls swooped in front of her and held out their legs. She untied the first scroll, unfurled it, read it, scoffed, untied the other two and shooed the owls on their way.

"What is it, Hermione?" asked Ron, sitting down and beginning to shove as much bacon in his mouth as he could fit.

"Petitions. All wizards... asking my hand in marriage," she said huffily, and she began pouring tea. It was all she felt like this morning. Maybe she'd have a salad later.

"Well? Who asked?" asked Harry, looking concerned.

"Nott's father, Lucius Malfoy and Ollivander," she said, disgusted at all three of them. Ron made a face and shoveled more bacon in his mouth, topping it off with a few dozen eggs. The result was he resembled a large-mouth tree frog with its face stuffed to full capacity.

Hermione sighed, setting fire to the scrools, and as she did, she noticed the staff table. Lockhart was wearing apalling pink robes and she thought she spied glitter on his lips. He was staring at the new Muggle studies teacher again.

She looked beside Lockhart and saw a sour looking Snape. He was also setting fire to a few scrools, and she guessed he must be half blood. She certainly hadn't seen HIM petition to anyone in the Great Hall. He hadn't sent any owls.

"Hermione, why are you lookin' at Snape?" asked Harry, frowning slightly and he looked up at him as well. Snape, in an odd change of character, stuck his tongue out at the pair of them and stalked off through a door behind the staff table.

"No reason," Hermione said, blushing slightly, and she gulped her tea down as noisily as she could so no one would see her smile. She thought it was funny Snape had actually reverted to tongue-sticking.

Lockhart stood up, and to very few people's surprise, shouted, "I'm gay and I love Professor Carrigan! Will you marry me, Carrigan?!"

Carrigane turned scarlet and buried his face in his arms. Hermione suspected he had burst out crying of shame, she hoped.

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C'mon, 30 hits, and no reviews? Please review! I'm starving ! I shall die of lack of reviews! Please don't be responsible for my review-deficient death!


	3. Snape's hobby, dumbly likes dog biscuits

Hey, this one is funny, too... I have big plans for Hermione and Snape's characters... evil laugh Please please PLEASE review!

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Their lessons went alright over the next couple days, and Hermione got countless other petitions, all of which she set fire to. She just hoped they didn't change the law to say all witches must become enslaved and forced to wear tea cozies.

She and her fellow Gryffindors were headed to Defense Against the Dark Arts, when they all halted just outside the door. They heard the most horrendous noise coming from the classroom. No one had forgotten Lockhart's nightmarish pixies, so no one wanted to dare opening the door.

"It sounds like a guitar," said Harry thoughfully, frowning and pressing an ear to the door. Whoever was playing it needed lessons badly.

Hermione impatiently pushed past everyone and opened it and a dreadfull scene met their eyes.

Severus Snape was sitting there behind his desk with his feet propped up on it, strumming a shabby guitar and singing, of all things. His voice was melodious and soft, but horribly out of tune and his guitar was missing a few strings. He stipped playing as they all walked in, threw the guitar under his desk, coughed embarassed and scowled as if he hadn't been caught doing anything.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor because they caught me singing," he said darkly, and the Gyryffindors didn't dare argue. None of them wanted to endure a detention filled with Snape's singing.

"And ten because Weasley just rolled his eyes," Snape added, and Hermione couldn't help but snicker.

"Five because I don't like you, Miss Granger," he retorted and she shut up for the rest of the lesson.

After the lesson, Hermione was called to Dumbledore's office. She muttered a hurried goodbye to her friends and dashed off to his office.

"Dog biscuits," she said to the stone gargoyle flanking the staircase, and it stepped aside to let her through.

"Enter," said Dumbledore, and she opened his door and saw that he wasn't alone. Snape was also in there, albeit not playing his guitar, thankfully.

"Please, sit," he said, nodding towards a chair, and she sat. There was a tremendous farting noise and she threw the woopie cusion into a far corner, frowning in distaste. Dumbledore was laughing and Snape was smirking.

"Very funny," she said scathingly, and Dumbledore slid a piece of parchment across his desk towards her, still smiling.

"Are you gaining weight, Miss Granger?" asked Snape suddenly, eyebrow raised snarkily and his thin mouth twisted.

"Oh my god, I knew that cup of tea this morning was too much!" she yelped, looking down at her stomach in alarm.

Enough Severus. Dog biscuit?" he asked, offering them a bag. Snape refused and Hermione blanched.

"No way, it'd go straight to my thighs!" she said, offended.

"What's this?" she asked, glancing down at the parchment. She pulled it towards her and read it. It was a petition from Aberforth Dumbledore, the barman of the Hog's Head. She made a face and burned it with her wand, glancing up at Albus Dumbledore.

"I have thought about pairing you and Severus up as husband and wife, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore gently. Snape stared at him like he was crazy and Hermione started to protest, but her headmaster interrupted her.

"No excuses. I have made my decision. End of discussion."

"What about MY choice?" she protested.

"You seem unable to make one. I believe you have burned every petition you have received," he said, glancing down at the ashes on his desk.

"Not my fault, all the death eaters are going to torture me and kill me because I'm muggle-born!" she whined.

"Nonsense, Hermione, now go make plans with Professor Snape," said Dumbledore sternly.

"But-"

"Now!"

Hermioen slumped, defeated, and Severus stood up quiet calmly and shook her hand. He slipped a ring made of pipe cleaner on her finger, smirked, and walked away.

"What the fuck?" she muttered.

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Have you figured it out yet? Hermione is kinda... anorexic, like most of the preppeis I wanted to kill in high school and Snape is immature... heheehhe PLEASE REVIEW!!! OR I SHALL DIE!


	4. Married in a slip

Hey, you didn't seriously think I've made Snape into a kindergardner? He's still snarky... he's just obnoxious. Please review!!!!!

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The very next day, Hermione was married to her Defense Against the Dark Aarts teacher.

He gave her a proper engagement ring and she did away with the ppe cleaner, but she was forced to be married in her underslip, because she had been rushed out before she could get her dress robes on. Her new husband married her wearing a muggle t-shirt (black) and a set of black dress robes.

She kissed him rather briefly, but he latched on longer, and she was disgusted when he stuck his tongue in her mouth. She gagged and spat it out, and that was Hermione Jane Granger's wedding.

From then on, she was Hermione Jane Snape, and he didn't let her forget it.

"Miss Snape, could you come here for a moment?" he asked her one day while she was in class.

She followed him into the corridor, the eyes of her friends on her through the window in the door and wondered what on earth he wanted.

He grinned and began dancing around like the Berries 'N' Cream boy on that annoying commercial and said, "Your name is Snape now, yourrr name is Snape nooowwwww!!"

Hermione groaned. THIS was her husband?

"What do you want, Severus?" she asked him impatiently, folding her arms. He grabbed her and kissed her roughly, let her go and walked away.

Hermione touched a hand to her liips where he had kissed her, staring off into the distance. He wasn't a bad kisser, even if he WASa obnoxious... but where was the rude, nasty, greasy, mean, unfair Snape she knew so well?

"It's all a front!" she heard him yell from the vicinity of the Great Hall. Damn that Legilimensy.

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PLEASE REVIEW!!! And check out Felonusangel's newest one "trouble brewing", it's being written by both of us! (And occasionally ghostwritten!) Please make your reviews to both of us, for both of us are the underappreciated geniuses behind the scenes!

PLEASE REVIEW!!


	5. NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Hey, sorry I haven't updated any of my HP stuff lately. I just got a new job, working retail and tis the season (although not ho ho ho). I've also recently been locked out of the computer until someone gets home, because my stepdad is a prick, so there's that as well. I've also been working on my pokemon fic, called "life is wonderful", so you may want to check it out, because Im really on a roll with it. So sorry I haven't showed lately, but meh... I've been busy lately. Ciao!


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